50-48 #9: "THE ZEAL WHICH BEGINS WITH HYPOCRISY MUST CONCLUDE IN TREACHERY; AT FIRST IT DECEIVES, AT LAST IT BETRAYS." THUS SAYS FRANCIS BACON, YOU DI

(Originally published 12/13/07)

50-48 #9: "THE ZEAL WHICH BEGINS WITH HYPOCRISY MUST CONCLUDE IN TREACHERY; AT FIRST IT DECEIVES, AT LAST IT BETRAYS." THUS SAYS FRANCIS BACON, YOU DIRTY FUCKPLUGS AT DISNEYSPORT.

Hello Hog Fans!

This week's email is coming a little early for a number of reasons: #1) I'm heading out of town this weekend. #2) I'm incredibly pissed off at Disneysport and want to respond before my ulcer takes over my entire stomach. #3) The Mitchell Report is coming out in less than 2 hours, and as many of you know, my major sports passion other than college athletics is Major League Baseball. I am looking forward to spending my time watching heads roll in the George Mitchell steroid investigation. #4) My brother says that if I send you emails more than once a week, you won't read them. But the truth is that I have things to say more than once a week, and many times it doesn't really matter to me whether anyone is reading it or not. These emails are for me just as much as they are for you.

But for those of you who do read them, thank you! And never fear! Even though I'll be out of town for a couple of weeks, I will be checking in soon with important email alerts. Next week's email, for example, will surely discuss not only basketball, but the inevitably formidable staff Coach Petrino is putting together. [Because of the earliness of this email, I have no comment about the Oklahoma basketball game, because the Oklahoma basketball game hasn't happened yet. Besides, there are more important things to talk about (op cit below).]

ESPN long ago sold its soul to Disney, when the cartoon and child-skinner-box conglomerate acquired the franchise in 1995 [when it acquired ABC, who had purchased the network in 1984 (well, technically they bought 80%, Nabisco bought 20%, then sold their 20% to Hearst Enterprises, which still technically owns 20% of ESPN, but generally acts as a silent, near-non-existent partner—wherefore art thou, Charlie Kane!)]. Ever since, they have become irresponsible and reprehensible, passing blatant advertising and homer op eds as genuine "sports information," if not actual "news." The network's coverage of Coach Petrino's move to Arkansas has demonstrated all the worst characteristics of the network in microcosm. Is it any wonder that Rich Eisen, Keith Olberman, and Dan Patrick aren't there anymore?

NOTE: Coach Petrino DID tell his players about his resignation through a letter. This was probably not the most public-relations-friendly way to leave a job. Also, he does have a long track record of seeking out new positions, of not honoring contracts, of—for lack of a better word—disloyalty. I warned about these things in last week's email, and I am not terribly comfortable with them. BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL ASHAMED OF THE RAZORBACK FOOTBALL PROGRAM OR COACH PRETRINO. There is, however, much reason for the wags at Disneysport to feel ashamed. (Notable exceptions: Lou Holtz and Chris Mortensen, both of whom provided fair analysis, not skewed toward a blatant desire to blow Arthur Blank and Roger Goodell and Rich McKay. Also, Disneysport isn't the only news outlet. Here's a nice balanced piece of reporting, for example.

But before I call out certain Disneysport a-holes, let me give you a reason to celebrate. Let me give you a few statistics on our new head coach:

Coach Petrino was 40-9 at Louisville in 4 years. That is, for those keeping score, an .820 win percentage.

The following statistics are four-year averages for yards gained and allowed:

Offense
Run: 213
Pass: 283
Total: 496

Defense:
Run: 125
Pass: 220
Total: 345
T/O Margin: .45

Represented by their place in the 119-team offensive hierarchy of Division 1A:

Year Rush Pass Total Scoring
2003 228(15th) 260(29th) 488(5th) 34.6(15th)
2004 250(8th) 288(9th) 539(1st) 49.7(1st)
2005 188(30th) 293(13th) 482(9th) 43.4(3rd)
2006 185(12th) 290(7th) 475(2nd) 37.7(4th)

And while we're at it, here's total defense:

2003 428(93rd)
2004 305(15th)
2005 324(23rd)
2006 320(40th)

Finally: 3 top 20 finishes; 2 top 10 finishes; 2 conference championships; 1 BCS victory in the Orange Bowl.

My statistics not good enough? Check out what Sports Illustrated had to say about Coach Petrino's offense.

Okay. I know you're sufficiently excited about next season. (Reggie will coach the Cotton Bowl. Coach Petrino recruited the rest of this week, before the cut-off date on Saturday. He will officially take over the reigns after January 1.) Now let's get to the idiot debunking. First up, Pat Forde.

Pat Forde is a no-talent writer with dubious sources, which he uses to "report" breaking news that only actually comes to fruition every once in a while. Here is his vitriolic commentary about Coach Petrino after his move to Arkansas: CLICK ME. But wait! What is this? Here's Forde's far more measured commentary about Coach Petrino after his move from Louisville to Atlanta: CLICK ME. Disneysport's bias rears its ugly head again! (Don't these people realize that trying to take something off the internet is like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool?) What, you might be wondering, might be causing Forde's bias? Is it the SEC's money, their lack of dependence on Disneysport's financial backing? Usually, this is the case. It is why Disneysport talks about the useless Big 12, Big East, and Big 10 well beyond their capacity to deserve it. It's why Kirk Herbstreit fellates Pete Carroll every chance he gets. But Forde's bias might just come from another place. It is helpful when evaluating these two articles to know that Forde graduated from the University of Missouri (this also explains his utter lack of sense, as degrees from the University of Missouri might as well be printed on tar paper). His up-and-coming, one-hit-wonder football team will be playing Coach Petrino's new team in the Cotton Bowl. Freud would call this penis envy. I will call it that, too, because it is more than obvious that Pat Forde has no dick. (Of course, reverting back to the old standby, I should note that the Cotton Bowl is one of the few bowls not televised by Disneysport.) So, Dickless, the next time you decide to go trolling through some college town, using your disneysport.com column to hit on coeds, don't even attempt to come to Fayetteville. I will happily help the lynch mob string you from the nearest lightpost on Dickson.

Next we have Bob Griese, an aging, stuttering fool, who was an overrated quarterback while playing, whose son is an incompetent passer who is only in the NFL because of the Griese name, and who is already two steps down the road to Alzheimer's. Griese argues that our hiring of Coach Petrino is part of a culture in the SEC, because, he argues, "those people" have nothing else down there. "The SEC has football. Other schools have other sports, but all they have is football." Really, fuckstick? Why don't we consider your ill-considered comments. For all conferences EXCEPT THE SEC, men's basketball is the only other revenue-generating sport besides football. Here is a list of national champions in men's basketball since 1994:

1994 Arkansas (31-3)
1995 UCLA (31-2)
1996 Kentucky (34-2)
1997 Arizona (25-9)
1998 Kentucky (35-4)
1999 Connecticut (34-2)
2000 Michigan St. (32-7)
2001 Duke (35-4)
2002 Maryland (32-4)
2003 Syracuse (30-5)
2004 Connecticut (33-6)
2005 North Carolina (33-4)
2006 Florida (33-6)
2007 Florida (35-5)

In the last 14 years, the SEC has won 35.7% of the NCAA men's basketball championships. The Pac 10? 14.3% The Big Ten? 7.1% The Big 12? 0 The basketball conference Big East? 21.4% The basketball conference ACC? 21.4%

Well, looks like you're going to have to shut your dirty mouth on that one, Bob. But unlike any other conference, the SEC has a third revenue-generating sport—baseball. What about that one? Since 1990, the champions are as follows:

1990 Georgia
1991 LSU
1992 Pepperdine
1993 LSU
1994 Oklahoma
1995 Cal St. Fullerton
1996 LSU
1997 LSU
1998 Southern California
1999 Miami (Fla.)
2000 LSU
2001 Miami (Fla.)
2002 Texas
2003 Rice
2004 Cal St. Fullerton
2005 Texas
2006 Oregon State
2007 Oregon State

In the last 18 years, the SEC has won 33.3% of the NCAA baseball championships. The Big 12 won 16.7%. The Pac 10 won 16.7% The ACC won 11.1% The Big East and Big 10 won nothing.

Okay, okay, you'll say. What about some of the non-revenue-generating sports. Collegiate athletics is about the amateur experience. It isn't all about revenue. Right you are. Let's try track and field. That most ancient of sports. Below are listed the NCAA champions in men's and women's indoor and outdoor track since 1984. The first name after the date is the men's champion, the second name is the women's champion:

Outdoor Track and Field (men's / women's)
1984 Arkansas Nebraska
1985 Arkansas Florida St.
1986 Arkansas Texas
1987 Arkansas LSU
1988 Arkansas Texas
1989 Arkansas LSU
1990 Arkansas Texas
1991 Arkansas LSU
1992 Arkansas Florida
1993 Arkansas LSU
1994 Arkansas LSU
1995 Arkansas LSU
1996 George Mason LSU
1997 Arkansas LSU
1998 Arkansas Texas
1999 Arkansas Texas
2000 Arkansas UCLA
2001 LSU UCLA
2002 Tennessee LSU
2003 Arkansas LSU
2004 LSU LSU
2005 Arkansas Tennessee
2006 Arkansas Texas
2007 Wisconsin Arizona State

INDOOR TRACK (men's/women's)
1984 Arkansas Nebraska
1985 Arkansas Florida St.
1986 Arkansas Texas
1987 Arkansas LSU
1988 Arkansas Texas
1989 Arkansas LSU
1990 Arkansas Texas
1991 Arkansas LSU
1992 Arkansas Florida
1993 Arkansas LSU
1994 Arkansas LSU
1995 Arkansas LSU
1996 George Mason LSU
1997 Arkansas LSU
1998 Arkansas Texas
1999 Arkansas Texas
2000 Arkansas UCLA
2001 LSU UCLA
2002 Tennessee LSU
2003 Arkansas LSU
2004 LSU LSU
2005 Arkansas Tennessee
2006 Arkansas Texas
2007 Wisconsin Arizona State

CROSS COUNTRY (men's/women's)
1984 Arkansas Wisconsin
1985 Wisconsin Wisconsin
1986 Arkansas Texas
1987 Arkansas Oregon
1988 Wisconsin Kentucky
1989 Iowa St. Villanova
1990 Arkansas Villanova
1991 Arkansas Villanova
1992 Arkansas Villanova
1993 Arkansas Villanova
1994 Iowa St. Villanova
1995 Arkansas Providence
1996 Stanford Stanford
1997 Stanford Brigham Young
1998 Arkansas Villanova
1999 Arkansas Brigham Young
2000 Arkansas Colorado
2001 Colorado Brigham Young
2002 Stanford Brigham Young
2003 Stanford Stanford
2004 Colorado Colorado
2005 Wisconsin Stanford
2006 Colorado Stanford

Sweet Baby Jesus! In the past 24 years, the SEC has won 92% of the men's national outdoor track championships and 54% of the women's outdoor track championships. The SEC has won 92% of the indoor men's championships and 54% of the indoor women's championships. The SEC has won 46% of the men's cross-country championships. The ONLY statistical disadvantage the SEC carries is in women's cross-country. (And by the way, the Hogs have most of those SEC men's national track championships, still the greatest dynasty in the history of collegiate sport. Long live John McDonnell! A fellow Ragin' Cajun!)

How about the original women's sport in NCAA athletics? How about women's basketball? Okay:

1987 Tennessee (28-6)
1988 Louisiana Tech(32-2)
1989 Tennessee (35-2)
1990 Stanford (32-1)
1991 Tennessee (30-5)
1992 Stanford (30-3)
1993 Texas Tech (31-3)
1994 North Carolina(33-2)
1995 Connecticut (35-0)
1996 Tennessee (32-4)
1997 Tennessee (29-10)
1998 Tennessee (39-0)
1999 Purdue (34-1)
2000 Connecticut (36-1)
2001 Notre Dame (34-2)
2002 Connecticut (39-0)
2003 Connecticut (37-1)
2004 Connecticut (31-4)
2005 Baylor (33-3)
2006 Maryland (34-4)
2007 Tennessee (34-3)

In the last 21 years, the SEC has won 33.3% of the championships. The Big East has won 28.6% The Pac 10 has won 9.5% The Big 12 has won 9.5% The ACC has won 9.5% The Big 10 has won 4.8%

Wanna get deeper into the officially-sanctioned college sports pool? How about women's swimming and diving?

1999 Georgia
2000 Georgia
2001 Georgia
2002 Auburn
2003 Auburn
2004 Auburn
2005 Georgia
2006 Auburn
2007 Auburn

That, for those keeping score, is a 100% success rate for the SEC. SO FUCK YOU BOB GRIESE, YOU IMBICILE! On this list, Purdue (Griese's alma mater) has only won ONE national championship, in women's basketball in 1999. So maybe Alzheimer's will be a blessing, allowing him to forget how stupid and incompetent he is. You see? Every cloud has a silver lining. [EDITOR'S NOTE: If you didn't pay attention to those statistical breakdowns, go look at them again! I did the math on those all by myself!]

What both Forde and Griese need to remember (amongst many other things) is that while Coach Petrino has had mercenary tendencies in the past, he took a $2 million-dollar-a-year pay cut to come to Arkansas, who will be paying him $2.8 per (op cit the hyperlink in paragraph one).

Next on the list is Jim Rome, who didn't have very nice things to say about our beloved university. There's no real need to rebut Jim Rome, because he is a national joke. But just for fun, here's footage of former Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jim Everett beating the shit out of him.

And finally we have Sean Salisbury, who, much like Jim Rome, is a national joke and doesn't need much rebutting. But he did have the guts to talk about Coach Petrino's morality. Is this the sort of guy who should be talking about morality? I'll let you be the judge on that one.

But before I stop bashing Disneysport, let me just say that this is the same network that bends over backwards to suck the collective dicks of Bill Belichick and Barry Bonds, two of the biggest cheaters in the history of sports. They laud them. Love them. (Remember, Disneysport is headquartered in New England. Hence the Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics overkill.) They also celebrate foul-mouthed, self-serving, only-out-for-themselves assholes like Terrell Owens and Randy Moss. But Coach Petrino is immoral for leaving one job and taking another? A job where his players had damn-near mutinied at several points during the season? Where his players didn't even WANT him? Seriously? Nothing is so sinful as hypocrisy.

And where does this hypocrisy come from? Well, ask yourself this: who is the largest single advertiser on Disneysport? Who is the title sponsor of Disneysport's college football coverage? You guessed it. Home Depot. And who owns Home Depot? You guessed it, Falcons owner Arthur Blank.

This network also gave credence to the bitching of Deangelo Hall, an Atlanta defensive back and generic thug from VPI (Michael Vick's alma mater). Hall was the same guy earlier in the year screaming at Coach Petrino on the sidelines during a game, complaining about his coaching, his leadership, his everything. The same guy who wore an MV7 sticker under his eye during the Saints-Falcons game on Monday, tacitly supporting a dog-murderer, and therefore dog-murdering. His wife is probably a whore and his children are probably illiterate. The only people who would recognize Hall's absence from the earth are the various crack dealers making residence in between Atlanta and Blacksburg. But when it comes to badmouthing the Razorbacks and their new coach, Hall becomes a sainted expert on Disneysport. Unconscionable.

But the hypocrisy runs deeper than that. (PAY ATTENTION! THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART!) No one in the national media seems to care that Arkansas and Petrino's agent had been in negotiations for weeks, or that Jerry Jones told Arthur Blank weeks ago that we were going to court Petrino. Blank AGREED! (But now he's so hurt and betrayed! Pussy.) They are DELIBERATELY attempting to make Arkansas and Coach Petrino look far shadier than they are. Why? Ignorance, simple animus, and an all-consuming beholdenness to the NFL. Disneysport paid a record amount of money for Monday Night Football ( $1.1 billion per year).More than 1/4 of their programming involves the NFL in one way or another. And so if the SEC robs from the NFL (as it has done before), then the SEC is bad and woe is the poor little NFL. Here are some of the important details about poor little Arthur Blank and his poor little Falcons that Disneysport isn't telling you:

Rich McKay, Falcons president and general manager, quit his job with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers with—surprise, surprise—THREE GAMES LEFT in the 2003 season to become Blank's president and general manager in Atlanta.

Now, much as Forde demonstrated his hypocrisy with two very different articles in different years, so too did Disneysport's Len Pasquerellli, another of the talking heads badmouthing Coach Petrino and Arkansas. See his article about McKay's jump to Atlanta. Not very critical, is it? Surprise, surprise.

And what happened at the EXACT SAME TIME in 2003? Dan Reeves, head coach of the Atlanta Falcons, was FIRED WITH THREE GAMES LEFT IN THE 2003 SEASON!!!!!!!!!! Who fired him? You guessed it. Arthur Fucking Blank. But now we should pity him? Now he's a great guy, who is being betrayed by someone who doesn't know how to finish the season? COME ON, DISNEYSPORT! HAVEN'T YOU READ 1984? EVIL OUGHT TO BE A BIT SUBTLER THAN THIS!

Okay, so I know I've taken up a lot of your time with this overly-long rebuttal of Disneysport's propaganda machine. Je m'excuse. I will close by telling you that Hogball took down Texas San Antonio 67-42 Wednesday night. Also, Hootie has already made a complete mess of recruiting at Ole Miss! His impending failure is almost as fun as our impending success! If you see someone from the "University" of Mississippi, laugh at him. Then poke him in his belly and see if he does one of those Pillsbury doughboy laughs. This phenomenon might be the product of myth, but I think science beckons us to find out for ourselves.

[Oh, and PS—If Disneysport doesn't lay off for any other reason, they should consider this well-documented fact: No fanbase in the country knows the intricacies of the Freedom of Information Act better than Razorback Nation. No fanbase in the country is more prepared to use the legal system to bring down their enemies. Several analysts on Disneysport have noted that recruits should not let Coach Petrino in the door, should not even consider Arkansas. Let one recruit tell one Hog fan who knows one lawyer that such statements influenced his college decision, and the lawsuits will begin to fly fast and furious. Don't think we could win? Well, I'm pretty sure Hootie didn't think we could get his cell phone and email records, either. Don't think we have enough money to take on the Disneysport juggernaut? The Waltons, Tysons, Hunts, Lindseys, Reynolds, et al beg to differ (see in particular the sports television advertising budgets of Wal-Mart and Tyson). Not only that, but Disneysport has proven time and again that they will not stand behind their analysts when those analysts are caught in sticky legal situations (see the suspension for Salisbury, mentioned above, and the Harold Reynolds sexual harassment case, along with the unceremonious firings of Jason Whitlock and noted crack-head Michael Irvin. I might not trust our quarterback, but I trust our financial backers in a fight for our honor and/or recruits. If Disneysport wants pick on someone, we might just be their size after all.]

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS