50-48 #21: NO MAN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOGS

(Originally published 2/24/08)

50-48 #21: NO MAN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOGS

Did you know that pigs have a more developed intelligence than a three-year-old child? That they develop social networks, recognize their own names, make their beds, and have a significant dream life? Leave it to the hippies to bring this information to our attention. But alas—hippies be damned—they CANNOT, it seems, win a basketball game at Rupp Arena in beautiful downtown Lexington, Kentucky. Such is the nature of pigs. A significant dream life can only take one so far. Just ask Heather Langenkamp, who starred as Nancy Thompson in A Nightmare on Elm Street and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Dreams, she would tell you, are things to be feared, not celebrated. If Freud were still alive, Nancy Thompson would kick him in the balls.

Thus we mark our annual ritual loss to Kentucky. This one was all the more frustrating because we were clearly better than our opponent. We had a competitive advantage. The crowd wasn't as intimidating as it has been in the past. And yet only Sonny Weems, who is single-handedly playing his way onto an NBA roster as we speak, decided to show up. Of course, the officiating sucked. (To read Wally Hall bitch about the refs, CLICK HERE.) But officiating wasn't why we lost. We lost because Patrick Beverly has decided to make his name as a rebounder instead of a shooter. We lost because Gary Ervin made a few early baskets and it went to his head. We lost because Charles Thomas has been nonexistent the last couple of weeks and was particularly ineffective yesterday.

What makes the loss even more frustrating is that Kentucky is SMALL. We towered over them at every position except point. Patrick Patterson is okay, but let's be real, he isn't THE TALLEST PERSON TO EVER LIVE. Not only that, but the Hogs got our hopes up earlier in the week by looking like supermen against Old Lou. (Wait, wait, wait. Did that Superman video not do it for you? Try THIS ONE.)

But then everything got better. I turned off the television in disgust, then fired up my Razorzone subscription just in time to watch Aaron Murfuree hit a two-run shot over the right field fence to give the Diamond Hogs a 5-4 lead in a game they would ultimately win, making them 2-0 on the season! Pigs can't win at Rupp. But they can fucking mash at Baum Stadium. As we are forced to acknowledge every year around this time: MAYBE BASEBALL CAN SAVE US. Sean Seibert is back from Tommy John surgery, and showed the inevitable rust from taking a year off, but our relievers have looked really good, and we have a new guy going today. Amongst the new hitters, rubbing elbows with the likes of Logan Forsythe, Ben Tschepikow, and Casey Coon, are a few JUCO transfers and young Andy Wilkins, a freshman from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, who has to be the MVP of opening weekend. In his first two games, he's batting .1000. He isn't a power guy, but by the fifth inning yesterday, Wright State had just decided to start walking him anyway. (For roster and bios of this year's team, CLICK HERE.)

For those of you who love the Diamond Hogs as I do, but are forced through the vagaries of circumstance to live away from Fayetteville, let me offer a shameless plug here for the Razorzone service. Most everything Hogwired does is completely fucked, but Razorzone does provide live video for every Razorback home baseball game (and select road games). It was great to see the boys playing again. It was great to see Baum Stadium. I wasn't able to see a clear shot of the student section, but I trust that someone on this list was there, sitting in my seat and keeping some drunken freshman's dirty ass out of it. Many of you have assured me that this will be the case throughout the season. So if you're slacking, for god's sake lie to me. I respond to that. I need it for my therapy.

[And speaking of baseball, here's an interesting fact for you: Last season, the Portland Beavers (of the Pacific Coast League) passed out dolls of native Iowan Robert Leroy Head. It was, in essence, Bob L. Head Night at the ballpark. CLICK HERE.]

And finally, from the Disneysport Makes Me Want to Fucking Puke file, it turns out that the Indiana investigation into illegal activities by now-former coach Kelvin Sampson was initiated by an ESPN Freedom of Information Act request. CLICK HERE TO FEED YOUR MORAL INDIGNATION. So, when Hogs fans use FOI to discover iniquities in their own program, to roust out the enemies of decency, integrity, and justice, then we are a bunch of psychopathic fans with nothing better to do. But when Disneysport uses it, FOI is somehow justified? Do you see the hypocrisy here? Mutherfuckers. If Mickey Mouse were still alive, Freddy Krueger would kick him in the balls.

(No, I'm not exactly sure what that means, either. But it felt right.)

Did you know that pigs have been taught to play video games? That they can create relatively sophisticated games with soccer balls? That they enjoy music? That no pig has ever been convicted of flying into someone's dreams and killing them from inside, all in an elaborate revenge plot stemming from a childhood murder long, long ago? No pig has ever bought into the concept of psychoanalytic patient transference. No pig has ever hypocritically used FOI.

And so, in the face of our bone-crushing loss to Kentucky, it is important that we keep our perspective. There are things we pigs can be proud of, even while staring into the gaping maw of defeat. Harry S. Truman once said, "No man should be allowed to be President who does not understand hogs." And last I checked, Harry S. Truman slaughtered WAY more innocent civilians than did little old Freddy Krueger. Quod erat demonstrandum.

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS

PS—Goodnight, Nancy Thompson, wherever you are. I hope you're sleeping well…