50-48 #34: SUCK IT, LEATHERNECKS

(Originally published 7/7/08)

50-48 #34: SUCK IT, LEATHERNECKS

So the Razorbacks kick off their "shock-the-world" season in less than 55 days, and we here at 50-48 are doing our best to see the light at the end of that long, long tunnel. We have already played our Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer audiobook. We have collected no less than three SEC preview magazines and have begun scouring them for details. We have chosen a face-melting metal anthem to pump us up for the upcoming season. We have purchased maraschino cherries and TRIED to purchase some PGA in which to marinate them, but in this alcoholic cesspool of a place we could find NONE!

(How is that? Pure ineptitude on the part of your beleaguered author. Never fear. We will have a flagon of pure grain alcohol within the week. And we will have delicious Hog Bombs soon afterward. We at 50-48 encourage all list members to marinate maraschino cherries in pure grain alcohol before the start of the season, as we are obsessive compulsive and believe these rituals to actually help us win. We don't apologize for this. We fucking revel in it.)

Okay. Enough third person plural. We here at 50-48 hate third person plural. We really do. (Fill up the tub.)

Any route: Our new plan (damn!) is to provide a short series of team-by-team previews of Razorback opponents this season—something to pass the long hot American summer. Wait, wait. Let me do that again: long hot American summer. Long hot American summer. Mmmmm, summer. Wait, that turned out to be creepy there at the end.

First up: The Western Illinois University Leathernecks.

Sure, WIU is ranked 15 in the 1-AA poll. Sure, linebacker Jason Williams is picked as the preseason Missouri Valley Conference defensive player of the year, as well as a preseason 1-AA All-American. Running back Herb Donaldson was third in All-American voting, just missing the cut. The Leathernecks return ten all-conference selections and nine starters each on offense and defense.

But what, you're probably asking, is the REAL story? Good question. Western Illinois is the only public school in the U.S. that has Navy permission to use the US Marine Corps official seal, mascot, and nickname. It has an enrollment above 13,000 on 1,050 rolling acres in the quaint town of Macomb, Illinois. Here's an INFORMATIONAL VIDEO. As for Macomb, it's the county seat of McDonough County, founded in 1830. Named for General Alexander Macomb (of the War of 1812), the town was a hotbed of Lincolnian support in the elections of 1860 and 64. It was a favorite jaunt of Ulysses S. Grant, as well.

So I think you all know what I'm getting at. This first football contest on August 30 is nothing short of a defense of our Southern Honor! It's been a while since I've used this hyperlink, but I think you're ready: CLICK GODDAMIT, CLICK. (Actually, that might be a different one than I linked too a long time ago. Rest assured that I don't care.)

But that said, this group of ne'er-do-wells don't seem the type to give us shit over 150-year-old grudges. Here's their Student Creed:

We, the students of Western Illinois University, having learned from the past 100 years, reaffirm the values of excellence in higher education as established by our founders.

As a member of this community…I will challenge myself to uphold the highest standards of scholarship and integrity in my learning. I will strive to create understanding, respect, and openness to difference among all members of my community. I will strengthen my community and its members by actively advancing the goals that better Western Illinois University. We recognize these values as evidence of a successful past and as keys to a promising future.

I know what you're thinking: GAY. Right you are. Not the kind of statement that strikes fear in the heart of opponents, it instead evokes the image of a giant cunt parade floating its way down the Macomb town square.

Oh, and speaking of cunt. (We here at 50-48 have ALWAYS wanted to say, "Oh, and speaking of cunt," in a venue approximating "public.") There's a large bus that drives around Miami offering pussy and blow jobs to interested customers—a sort of roving whorehouse run by enterprising young Christine Morteh. The timid Leathernecks (their women's athletic teams are known as the Westerwinds) would never—could never—see value in such a bus. The sanctity of a moveable whorehouse is completely lost on them, and therefore they must be crushed.

So our first opponent is a band of Yankee prudes. 50-48 prediction: Hogs 400, Creed-holding Cunts, -27. In a surprise move, the Leathernecks respond to Petrino's offensive genius by questioning their place in the universe. As an act of contrition designed to make recompense for abandoning their Student Creed, the team begs officials to deduct points for their sins. The officials oblige. Then a group of naked space robots hop off a giant brothel bus waiting in the Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium parking lot, and everybody has a dance party.

Will the Democrat Gazette provide such analysis? I think not. The Morning News? Nope. They can suck it, too. Long live 50-48! Long live naked space robot dance parties!

Oh, and speaking of cunt:

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS

PS: In response to reader interest, 50-48 is considering the creation of a blog prior to football season. If the venue changes, rest assured that the format will not. If graduate students teach me how to do it, and if they can create a suitably awesome logo featuring the scoreboard at last year's LSU game, these weekly rants will move into the public sphere. If that happens, each of you will still receive an email every week reminding you to read it. AND YOU BETTER FUCKING READ IT! If you have any (substantive) suggestions, please let me know.

PPS: Our second opponent is the University of Louisiana Monroe. We'll have a ULM preview, as well. But that shitty little university is in my hometown, so I won't be making fun of it. (Except, perhaps, to say that it's a shitty little university. I'm so disgustingly duplicitous sometimes. Man. I'd really like to kill the guilt that's causing me by downing some Hog Bombs right now. But I can't. BECAUSE THERE'S NO GODDAMN PGA!)

PPPS: There's no goddamn PGA.