50-48 #67: EMERGENCY UPDATE: #1 v. #1

50-48 #67: EMERGENCY UPDATE: #1 v. #1

Dear everyone,

The Diamond Hogs are ranked NUMBER ONE in the Collegiate Baseball poll! We totally deserve it. We’re now 22-6, the best record in the SEC.

Meanwhile, lurking in the dark shadows of cacti and giant crevasses in the earth, the Arizona State Sundevils are ranked number one in the Baseball America poll.

There are plenty of reasons to hate the Sundevils. The most important, of course, is that it is the alma mater of one Barry Lamar Bonds, who single-handedly destroyed baseball for a number of inglorious years. But perhaps more importantly, Arizona is the state that once shamelessly arrested 50-48 and threw us in jail just before we had to attend a wedding in California. They put us in a holding cell with a paranoid psychotic named Loupe, who was awaiting arraignment on double-murder charges. Loupe did not have much to say. To us. Instead, he bided his time by rocking slowly back and forth, talking to the wall in pigeon Spanish.

Loupe scared the crap out of us. Sometimes we still curl up into a little ball thinking about him, hugging our knees and saying the lord’s prayer.

Anyway, the Diamond Hogs will avenge us tomorrow and Wednesday, as the Sun Devils are coming to Baum Stadium!!!!!!! It will be #1 versus #1 in the most anticipated college baseball series of the year! The world will be watching, and if you are in and around the area, YOU BETTER FUCKING BE THERE.

50-48 begs all of you in Fayetteville to attend, and show these fucksticks from Arizona what the SEC is all about. We here at 50-48 have already started tailgating, and expect you all to do the same. Drink until you’re half-dead, bring a box of syringes, then attend the game and throw them at the players. Or, perhaps, burn an iguana in effigy.

Either way, it’s a HUGE baseball series at Baum for the next two days!

50-48 will be following the action intently from its secret lair somewhere in the swamps of south Louisiana, and encourages everyone who attends to email a report from the games! If we get some good ones, we’ll post them! So go to the game, take notes, organize them after the series in a hilarious, preferably raunchy, X-rated essay, and send them to us! Let’s celebrate our college baseball coup in style!

Please, please, please go! And for those of you who remember, sit in the official 50-48 seat, so no inane freshman trying to please a girl he will never possibly score with will sit in it and ruin our baseball karma.

Freshman totally suck.

So does Barry Bonds.

So does Loupe.

Wait.

No he doesn’t.

We’re sorry, Loupe. We’re so, so sorry. Please don’t haunt our dreams tonight. I promise my parents weren’t part of the angry student mob who set you on fire in the school boiler room. They’ve never even BEEN to Elm Street, Loupe. I really like your sweater. And those claws! They make you look like Edward Scissorhands, in all the best ways. No, Loupe. No! Johnny Depp is NOT a douchebag. I promise. It was an ALLEGORY, Loupe. No. I won’t explain what that means. I can’t right now. I’m pissing myself with fear. And yes, 21 Jump Street was pretty awesome. I liked Richard Grieco, too. No. I don’t know why his career went south. I’m SORRY! Please don’t hurt me. I promise I’ll google Richard Grieco later and have a repository of facts about him in my brain for the next time you’re up there tinkering around. Please, please, please. I’m sorry. You don’t totally suck, and your outfit doesn’t make you resemble a douchebag. No, no. The blood stains are hardly even noticeable. I promise. That’s IN these days. They call that shabby chic. No, no. I promise I’m not trying to establish aesthetic dominance by throwing out jargon that only certain insiders understand! Please don’t accuse me of that, Loupe. I’m NOT BEING A DICK! Watch Bravo sometime, Loupe. Or E! Just go back to the boiler room! Talk to the wall in pidgeon Spanish. Here, I’ll sing you a lullabye:

Lullaby, and good night,
With pink roses bedight,
With lilies o'erspread,
Is my baby's sweet head.
Lay you down now, and rest,
May your slumber be blessed!
Lay you down now, and rest,
May thy slumber be blessed!

Lullaby, and good night,
You're your mother's delight,
Shining angels beside
My darling abide.
Soft and warm is your bed,
Close your eyes and rest your head.
Soft and warm is your bed,
Close your eyes and rest your head.

Sleepyhead, close your eyes.
Mother's right here beside you.
I'll protect you from harm,
You will wake in my arms.
Guardian angels are near,
So sleep on, with no fear.
Guardian angels are near,
So sleep on, with no fear.

Lullaby, and sleep tight.
Hush! My darling is sleeping,
On his sheets white as cream,
With his head full of dreams.
When the sky's bright with dawn,
He will wake in the morning.
When noontide warms the world,
He will frolic in the sun.

Wow. That took a weird turn somewhere. We’re not exactly sure where we were going with that. So let’s review once more:

GO TO THE FUCKING GAMES, WRITE ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCES, SEND THEM TO 50-48, REVEL IN THE FACT THAT WE WILL BE THE UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF COLLEGE BASEBALL AFTER THESE NEXT TWO DAYS.

GO HOGS GO! BEAT ASU!

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS