50-48 #10: HOW I SPENT MY WINTER VACATION; OR, YOUR TYPICAL BUDDY PICTURE/DECLENSION NARRATIVE, LIGHT ON THE BUDDY, HEAVY ON THE DECLENSION
Hello, everyone! Many of you might be assuming a quiet absence in the halls of the Broyles Athletic Center, accompanying the broader quiet that comes with the close of the semester. But alas, there is plenty for me to cuss about—cuss, in fact, like a disgruntled baseball player in 1898. (Make sure to click on the document after checking out the hyperlinked page!)
Does everyone know what a scalawag is? Here's a good example. Thanks, Vic Harville. PS, cartoonists are completely irrelevant (no offense, Chet). The last thing we need in the face of an overwhelming assault from Disneysport is for some of our own to succumb to the brainwashing campaign. (NOTE TO DISNEYSPORT/HOOTIE-LOVERS: THERE IS NO MINISTRY OF LOVE!) It is traitorism such as this that drives me to want to attack people. It should drive you to the same desire. That being the case, we're going to need to prepare. DO SO HERE. We're going to need your best effort, because our problems don't just come from disgruntled cartoonists mis-projecting their anger about having their artistic ability relegated to tertiary meaninglessness. It is also "journalists," or at least journalism's Stuttgart equivalent. But remember, Josh Troy writes for the Stuttgart Daily Leader, which might not be a real newspaper. It may be a family newsletter or a high school yearbook. 50-48 has no sources in Stuttgart to verify this one way or another. Luckily, a more reputable news outlet, Arkansas Business, does have sources there. They think Josh Troy is a fucking moron. The response is adequate, though it omits one important hole in the Daily Leader's argument: No one named "Josh" can be an authority on anything. They cannot be journalists. They cannot be astronauts. They cannot be presidents. When a mother names her child Josh, she is essentially assigning him to a quiet gray cubicle or a Jiffy Lube. In fact, people named "Josh" might not be people at all. I would claim here that they are probably robots, but I have trouble thinking that any of them could possibly be smart enough to be robots. Can you see ANYONE named Josh, for example, taking Hal in a chess match? No? I didn't think so. (EDITOR'S NOTE: If any of you know and love someone named Josh, disregard above.)
But wait! Just when we thought that the South was befuddled by scalawags (a la 1868), some far more noble voices rise like phoenixes from the traitorous ash. Jeff Long, our new (and already beloved) athletic director (who, if we're going to play the extend-your-metaphors-out-to
But, all things being equal, nothing any disgruntled Hootie-lover could possibly say will take Coach Petrino away from us. Refuting them is easy and tedious. And so, let me now turn to everyone's favorite pastime: BASHING HOOTIE! Aren't you glad we no longer have to suffer the Nutt method of talent evaluation? The kid featured in the hyperlink was a Conference USA recruit who no reputable SEC coach would offer. But Hootie, after ignoring all of Orgeron's recruits—watching them all walk steadily away to bigger and better things—took a snap from this Conference-USA-caliber center, then offered him a scholarship on the spot! So when you say your prayers tonight, remember: This slipshod method of recruiting is no longer a constituent part of Broyles Center policy. (Also, you might want to throw in a word of thanks that Hootie hasn't offered you tuition, room, and board in return for the opportunity to feel your ass. That is a Faustian bargain that even Jonathan Luigs and Donna Bragg never had to make. And they have SEC talent!)
Also—more importantly—Beck Campbell has spoken! And she paints a damning picture of the athletic department, Hootie, and his feisty, lesbian sidekick. (This is a good read. It relates in particular to the Mike Irwin situation, and specifically details his resignation from Hogville.)
[Also, I should state that the national apologies have begun. See this from Sports Illustrated. Now we're just waiting on you, Disneysport! But remember, Sports Illustrated is in the minority, and lest any of you get the urge to listen to the lies and criticism heaped upon us by so many mindslaves of the ruling elite, remember your John Milton: The best apology against false accusers is silence and sufferance, and honest deeds set against dishonest words. We will be vindicated. Or maybe god will strike them with lightning? (Milton believed in that sort of thing, you know.) Either of these would be pleasing.]
But let's move on to more positive news. Since our last missive, the Hogs (via Coach Petrino) have signed 4-star and 3-star quarterbacks! Tyler Wilson from Greenwood is an excellent passer. He's listed as the twelfth-ranked pro-style quarterback in the nation. (The only thing we have to worry about is that he might also be a first or second round baseball pick. If he goes below the third round, expect him to play for the Hogs. The lure of Coach Petrino being able to make him an NFL commodity will trump the lure of single-A ball.) But the 3-star recruit, Jim Youngblood from Camden-Fairview, might be even better! He is a dual threat quarterback that can run almost as well as he can throw. And he can throw. (For both of these hyperlinks, be sure to click on the highlight videos provided by Rivals.) Most importantly, Coach Petrino seems to be rebuilding the "fence" that Hootie was supposed to have established around the golden borders of Arkansas. The outmigration of talent seems to be coming to an end! Now, the doubtful amongst you will argue (correctly) that we need more than just Arkansas talent. Coach Petrino has to demonstrate that he can recruit outside of the state. This will be a test for the post-dead period in January. But the Youngblood and Wilson commitments, even through the Disneysport pabulum, demonstrate that he still has cache amongst recruits. We are in good hands. (It is true we lost a cornerback to Boston College, and that the recruit cited Coach Petrino's reputation as a reason for turning down the Hogs, but this attitude will diminish as the story slips from the Disneysport rotation. In truth, that cornerback's soft commitment to BC—I will not mention his name until he changes his naïve high school mind—might very well change to Arkansas when he sees the strength of Coach Petrino's first recruiting class, our inevitable victory in the Cotton Bowl, the comically sparse facilities in Boston, etc.)
On the subject of recruiting, it has been suggested through various media outlets that Ryan Mallet might be interested in transferring to Arkansas. The Hogs were his first choice, before Hootie decided to ignore him. Apparently, Ryan never allowed him to put his hands on his ass. Had this happened, evidence being what it is, Hootie surely would have offered him a scholarship on the spot. Instead, Hootie felt-up Joe Chaisson and Casey Dick's little brother. Ryan went to Michigan, where he saw significant playing time because of Chad Henne's injury-plagued senior season. But now Michigan has hired Rich Rodriguez (see below), who runs an offense that succeeds to its fullest with a dual-threat quarterback. Meanwhile, Coach Petrino made Stephan Lefours and Brian Brohm into pro prospects. Even haters such as Kirk Herbstreit have suggested that Arkansas and Mallet might be reunited. Let me just say that I would LOVE for this to happen. Even with Wilson and Youngblood. Having too many good quarterbacks is a great problem to have. But that said, I'll believe it when I see it. I refuse to get my hopes up about the University of Michigan's preseason #1 quarterback surrendering his spot to come to Fayetteville. And so I wait, breath as bated as can be without completely collapsing my already scarred lungs.
And on the subject of Rich Rodriguez and Michigan, WHERE'S YOUR PEDANTIC, HOLIER-THAN-THOU OUTRAGE, DISNEYSPORT?????!!!!! Rodriguez didn't leave a bunch of millionaire pro-players that never really liked him anyway towards the end of a completely meaningless losing season that had been shot ever since his star player put exposed electric wires on dogs' balls. Rodriguez left a bunch of college players who came to West Virginia SPECIFICALLY to play for him! He did it before the most IMPORTANT GAME OF THE YEAR, when the Mountaineers had something left to play for, on a team with more than 65 non-seniors. Morgantown is not Atlanta. The people of West Virginia are poor and disgusting creatures. The hopes of the state fall far more on the Mountaineer football team than do any hopes on the Falcons in Georgia (which are wrapped up, rightly, with the fates of Georgia and Georgia Tech). Disneysport has defended itself by arguing that the Michigan job is one that can't be passed up. That it is a significant step up from West Virginia. 2 things: #1, which of those two teams is in the BCS for the second year in a row? Fuckers. And #2, shouldn't the "step up" be a contributing factor in a NEGATIVE verdict? Coach Petrino took a paycut to come a college team from the pros! Ugh. Hypocrisy, thy name is…(you know the drill)
And finally, the biggest Razorback news of the week: I attended a Hog game! Coming off a disastrous loss to Oklahoma , largely at the hands of Gary Ervin, Razorback point guard and master of the turnover (when factoring the rank of Coach Pel's new recruiting class, evaluators certainly took into account the addition by subtraction of Ervin's "graduation" next semester. He is terrible, but playing far less under Coach Pel than he did last season under Stan Heath. So there is hope.), Hogball returned to throttle Northwestern State University 90-59. And I was there! Though I had upper deck seats, my friendship with the student section security guard allowed me back into the student section, where I did all the old cheers, never sat down, and had the greatest night since our football victory over Old Lou. (I also scored a hologram Heisman souvenir cup! Thanks Bobby!) That said, the boys had 19 turnovers and left much to be desired. We're going to have to fix these problems for SEC play, which begins January 10 on the Alabama plains. Everyone is picking us to win the West. For once, I want them to be right.
Along with satiating my Razorback sports fandom, I also retrieved my bicycle, my Sportsnight DVDs, my copy of Clay Travis's "Dixieland Delight," and my excellent thrift store Chanel tee-shirt, amongst other things, while nestled in the foothills of the Ozark Mountains. For those of you I was able to see on my 36-hour whirlwind tour of Fayetteville, Centerton, and points in-between, thanks for everything! It was great! For those of you I did not see, and I speak particularly of you, Geoff Jensen, brace yourselves for my inevitable return during baseball season!
In other basketball news, though Patrick Beverley's points have dipped a bit this season, he seems to be scoring in other ways. But, then again, who amongst us didn't have paternity suits filed against us in Washington County Circuit Court when we were sophomores in college? Ah, the carefree jauntiness of youth! I feel certain Patrick will be vindicated, because I still believe he is actually a basketball-playing automaton. And, as we all know, automatons cannot reproduce (though some are programmed to think they can; for stunted but helpful analysis of such problems, see Philip K. Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?)
And remember: P-Bev, his baby's momma, and all the other members of the basketball family and extended family have a big game today at Altell Arena in Little Rock! This year's nod to central Arkansas features the Mountaineers of Appalachian State! Their basketball team doesn't have a stellar record, but if any of their players can channel App State quarterback Armanti Edwards, we might be in trouble. More analysis on this game next week!
Oh, and one more football note: The Hogs have officially inked a 10-year deal to play Texas A&M in a neutral site game at the new Texas Stadium beginning in 2009! The new stadium will seat 100,000, and every year that we whip the Aggies with our headliner coach, our recruiting credibility in Texas will rise. It isn't unreasonable to think that by 2010, we won't be competing with Texas Tech, Baylor, Okie State, and A&M for recruits. We'll be competing with UT and Oklahoma. What would that world look like? Colors would be brighter. Water would taste better. Bad things wouldn't happen to good people. Good things wouldn't happen to bad people. Dogs and cats would sit together in friendship. And there would be world peace.
I am in the throes of holidayness right now, and so I will stop here. I will stay at my family's house until the Cotton Bowl, but I will still try to provide one more update pre-Cotton Bowl. (Brace yourselves. Post-Cotton Bowl coverage will be verbose, as I will have returned to the loneliness and depression of Lafayette. You've been warned.)
50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS
PS—I have a copy of Coach Petrino's contract, but I didn't want to attach it to the email because I didn't want to clutter your inboxes. If anyone is interested in reading Coach Petrino's contract, reply to this email and I will send you a copy. Think of it as a free gift with your membership!
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