50-48 #18: LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULES

(Originally published 2/3/08)

50-48 #18: A DISQUISITION ON GOOD TIMES, ROLLING THEM, SUSTAINING THAT ROLL THROUGH A SIMPLE APPLICATION OF NEWTON'S FIRST LAW, AND, FINALLY, HAVING THE GOOD GRACE TO LET THAT ROLL HAPPEN UNFETTERED; OR, LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULES

Oyez, oyez, oyez! Court is now in session! The honorable Razorback Basketball team is now presiding. Sucka MCs must now exit the building. They must take their weak-ass skillz with them. They must take their chronic inability to breakdance and their unwavering failure to bust a proper rhyme. As subtle intimations last week indicated, 50-48 is more than willing to snatch your fucking poetry book. So, too, is Hogball. It's like 1994 all over again. The glory days. And so, in the spirit of my second bizarre rap digression in as many weeks, and in the spirit of the Hogs reviving their Barnhill/early-Bud Walton swagger, please allow me the opportunity to give you readers a chance to REGULATE. (Lo these many years later, I still cannot believe they were takin' Warren's wealth. God be with you, Mr. G. And your rings. And your Rolex.)

But wait! I'm not done with rap just yet. Have you ever wondered what your favorite rap songs might look like when graphed schematically in Venn, pie, or line formats? Now you don't have to! CLICK HERE.

So, you might be asking yourself, what's with all the gangsta braggadocio coming from 50-48 this week? What's with the charts indicating the variable levels of enthusiasm involved in the desire of disparate control groups for O.P.P.? [(Yeah, you know me!) Naughty By Nature, if you will recall, was, in fact, the Army with Harmony. Or so they had us believe…] Well, word to yo mutha and thanks for asking. The Hog basketball team is on an awe-inspiring three-game winning streak!

After your 50-48 chronicler's presence at the LSU game almost single-handedly sparked a victory, the Hogs have maintained their momentum with two quality home wins. Since their embarrassing loss at Georgia, Arkansas has won their last three games by an average of more than 18 points. Two of their victims were ranked. The other was a conference road win. "How can this be happening?" you might be asking yourself. "Surely it can't ONLY be Tom's attendance at the LSU game that sparked the rally. There MUST be some other factor." Well, #1) Your skepticism about my status as a living embodiment of the rally cap comes dangerously close to making you a sucka MC, and #2) Right you are!

Because weather forced their plane to be diverted to Tulsa upon their return from Athens, the team didn't get into Fayetteville until the wee hours of the morning following their defeat at the hands of the Bulldogs. Did they go home and rest up, salving the wounds they received in yet another colossal beatdown? No. Coach Pel carted their uninspired asses to the gym and ran them. The following day, he had a team meeting emphasizing unity and team play. Check and mate, failure monkey. No longer will our play be a live-action representation of STILL-SHOT DISASTER.

But there was another reason, as well—one of a more metaphysical, karmic nature. Nolan was in the news again, and this time he was saying nice things about the UofA. He talked about the possibility of reconciliation. About possibly going back to watch a game in Bud Walton. He was conciliatory and kind (when he still has every right in the universe to hold a grudge), and the university and its fans seem to be responding in a similar manner. Now that J. Frank is gone, will Nolan be sitting behind the bench at Bud Walton, or in a box high above? And will his championship aura filter down to the team? We have only to wait and see.

And so, good vibes in tow, Hogball returned to Bud Walton Wednesday to take on the first place and unbeaten-in-conference Mississippi State Bulldogs, nee Aggies. And they beat them by 20. On Saturday, they faced the two-time defending national champion Florida Gators, nee jorts-wearing crystal methamphetamine addicts. And they beat them by 19. (Suck it, Tebow!) It is true that the team's success against State stemmed largely from unforced turnover errors by the Bulldogs. It is also true that that the team's success against Florida stemmed largely from the Gators' inability to make open outside jumpshots. But they won, and that is all that matters. We now have a full week to prepare for Ole Miss ("university") next Saturday, the third and final game in our miniature homestand.

Alas, there is also football news to impart. John Tenuta has taken a job at Notre Dame, thus eliminating him from contention for the Arkansas defensive coordinator job. We are still in the lurch. And that lurch is pulsing like an honest-to-god quasar this week, as Wednesday is National Signing Day—college football's version of draft day. Will the Hogs get Joe Adams? Will the final commitments push our recruiting class from the top 25 to the top 20? All of these questions and more will be answered this week. (For those of you with ESPNU, it will be broadcast live all day.) 50-48 will have a full report in its next edition.

And speaking of recruiting, Hootie is yet again acting as a catalyst of destruction for poor little Ole Miss ("university"). One of his quarterback recruits, who had already reached campus, was arrested for selling steroids. Ha! Those are not the actions of a kid who loves that awkward, cursive helmet! Was he selling steroids to the team? Did he act with co-conspirators? Let's hope so! That which hurts Hootie only makes us stronger.

But all football news isn't good football news. The athletic department is raising ticket prices for next season. The amount of the increase has not yet been announced, but Jeff Long has made the argument that the program needs more money to function properly. Though this is disappointing, it isn't unexpected. J. Frank could raise money better than anyone in the history of college football, allowing our facilities to expand with one of the lowest ticket price averages in the SEC. Long is going to be a great AD, but he doesn't have the history, the longevity, of J. Frank, and supplementing the athletic department's revenue with higher ticket prices isn't surprising. Besides, wouldn't you rather pay ten dollars more for a victory?

And finally, let me give a grand laissez les bon temps roules to all of you in Arkansas! I will be thinking about you each day this week, as I rest at home, free from the bounds of school because of our Mardi Gras vacation. If you learn nothing else from this email, learn this: Catholics are fun. Consider me down in Lafayette, hurling beads to you from afar. And I will consider you, each lifting up your shirts and showing me your chests in hopes of getting more loot. Your breasts are spectacular, dear 50-48 readers.

Your breasts are spectacular.

50-48
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WPS