50-48 #31: HOOTIE IS TO THE DEVIL WHAT THE DEVIL IS TO THE DEVIL; ERGO, HOOTIE IS THE DEVIL

(Originally published 5/11/08)

50-48 #31: HOOTIE IS TO THE DEVIL WHAT THE DEVIL IS TO THE DEVIL; ERGO, HOOTIE IS THE DEVIL

Whuddup, yo! 50-48 back in effect, rockin the mike one more time! Dropping science! (Ah! Any excuse for a 2-Live Crew video will do. But did it offend your moral sensibilities? Is THIS as close as you're ever going to get to rap-coolness legitimacy? Never fear. The dancing in THIS VIDEO is far more tame.)

The abbreviatedness of this abbreviated 50-48 is prompted by finals, myriad other teacherly responsibilities, and other writing projects that are currently sapping the strength of my already weak brain and taking up all of my god damned time. For example, when I leave you at the end of this email, I will return to eeking out semi-pithy phrases about the devil (the one who lives in Hell, not the one who lives in Oxford), then staring blankly at a stack of papers I will inevitably not grade. Such is the nature of things. I'm not exactly Jack Bauer, and sometimes things can get a little surreal.

But the 50-48edness of this abbreviated 50-48 is prompted by Hootie. (Ha!) When Peyton Hillis dropped to the seventh round, though he was clearly the best fullback in the draft, did it make you want to scream, "NO!" When you saw that Jacob Hester (of all people) went higher in the draft than White Jesus, did you get really confused? Of course you did. Who wouldn't? Well, now we know WHY. Because Hootie badmouthed him to all of the NFL scouts, calling him a cancer in the locker room. All of this, of course, is because Peyton was one of the only players on the team to call out Hootie for being the conniving piece of shit that he is. Not only that, but it turns out that he has a HISTORY of sabotaging our draft-eligible players. Hootie is to college football what this psychotic Christian is to women's rights. I hope he ignores every street sign in Oxford and gets run over by a fucking bus. And then I hope his dirty 2x4-weilding cunt of a wife gets a really crappy memorial after his death. (Oh, and I also hope that a mad scientist creates an airborne virus that goes around the world annihilating all 300-lb bull dykes.)

But luckily, we aren't the only football team suffering. The three schools in the SEC that most closely resemble juvenile halls / adult literacy programs / venereal disease clinics are LSU, Florida, and Tennessee. None have moral, academic, or hygiene standards and all have parlayed that lack of scruples into illegal football success at some point or another. And now, glory be, 2 of them are getting a small modicum of comeuppance. LSU's Ryan Perilloux has been kicked off the team for failing a drug test (along with myriad other crimes that were overlooked by Les Miles, because he's a corrupt shithead). And then there's Florida's Jamar Hornsby, who decided to mourn the death of a friend by stealing her credit cards and racking up hundreds of dollars in debt. If he had done it while snorting crystal methamphetamine and wearing jorts, Gator fans would probably have already built him a fucking statue. (In an interview with the Daily Mississippian, Hootie was quoted as saying he likes the cut of Hornsby's jib, and would be willing to let him transfer…)

Whoa. Man. That email was nothing but piss and vinegar. Surely if we Razorback fans are going to see the success we're hoping for in 2008, we have to keep our thoughts a little more positive than that. Here's a SUREFIRE WAY TO GET THAT DONE.

Everybody loves pandas. Even 2-Live Crew. Even psychotic Christians. But not Hootie. Hootie hates pandas.

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS

PS—The baseball team has been up and down lately, but they are clearly getting better. The freshman in particular are finding their legs, and so even though we still appear doomed this season. The future looks bright.

Oh, and PPS!—I found Chet's illegitimate daughter! She's ADORABLE! Congratulations, Chet!