50-48 #12: THERE IS NOTHING. THERE IS THE VOID.

(Originally published 1/6/08)

50-48 #12: THERE IS NOTHING. THERE IS THE VOID.

Well, the Cotton Bowl was a royal ass beating. Or, as that Winnebago guy from Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer said (read in a lower-middle class north Alabama accent), referring to a Crimson Tide defeat: "They whipped the dog shit out of us." [And I know, I know. The statement implies that there was dog shit somewhere inside of us before the whipping commenced. But doesn't that just compound the self-effacement, and thus make it all the more charming? On top of that, scientists at Auburn have done studies that indicate (though they don't conclusively prove) that Crimson Tide fans are, in fact, full of dog shit.]

We looked horrible in every facet of the game (though the monochrome was nice; always trust the Hogs to dress spectacularly for defeat). Meanwhile, our "defense" was so concerned about Chase Daniel that they abandoned any attempt to stop the run. Not only that, but they didn't make any sort of adjustment to stop the run after that embarrassing first half. It was ugly. For information on the "little person," nee midget, who dominated us, CLICK HERE. For information on how to become an official fan of the Missouri Tigers, CLICK HERE .

Making the defeat all the more frustrating, I had convinced my traveling companion—someone with strong ties to Missouri—to root for the Hogs. Because of some prior transgressions, he even had to get PERMISSION FROM THE GOVERNMENT OF LOUISIANA TO LEAVE THE STATE!!! And so, yet again, the Razorbacks pass up a perfectly good conversion opportunity. The uniforms were nice but the message just wasn't getting through. It was like every memo in every Mormon tabernacle in the universe. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you or someone you love believes in the whole Golden Plates/Jesus in America doctrine, disregard above.)

But in the end, it is most helpful and/or therapeutic to think of the game as a fitting moment of transition. As the fourth quarter ticked away, I and my drunken companions in section 102 began interpreting the slowly diminishing clock as a countdown to the beginning of the Petrino era rather than a countdown to our inevitable defeat. (Goodnight, Bethany from Mena, wherever you are. I hope you warmed up in the car.) And it was. It was. (Sorry 50-48 members. Inside jokes aren't cool in a mass forum, but that last hyperlink will probably only be appreciated by my brother. Unless you too are a connoisseur of early decade hockey commercials or the syntactical conceit of repetition to convey a false sense of emotional intensity. Either way, enjoy!)

The game was full of transitional moments. We (and, I hear, the television audience) were bombarded with the information that it was, in fact, the swan song of J. Frank Broyles. It was also the last game of the Hootie era. And what better way to end the destructive Hootie era by getting blown out in a bowl game by an opponent from an inferior league? Can anyone say UNLV? It was hard to watch, but it was—like many things that are hard to watch—cosmic justice.

But Frank and Hootie weren't the only two changing roles. As originally reported here at 50-48, Reggie Herring is indeed going to Texas A&M to implement the man-to-man-at-all-costs secondary, 245-lb defensive end defense for Mike Sherman. This will make our newly-inked games with A&M in Dallas all the more pleasing. After watching the game from a luxury box high above we peons at the Cotton Bowl, I don't think Coach Petrino is overly-frightened of Reggie's defense.

Want proof? I'm glad you asked! Have I got a treat for you! No wait! I have twelve treats for you! ONE , TWO, THREE , FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE. Those are the full-game replays of twelve Petrino-coached Louisville teams. As you dream about the Hogs having a similarly productive offense, try not to drool on your computer.

How's he going to replicate that kind of all-consuming awesomeness on The Hill? Good question. Here's your answer: A coaching staff like this. Coach Petrino will have his brother Paul as offensive coordinator, Garrick McGee as quarterbacks coach, Mike Summers as offensive line coach, and holdover Tim Horton as running backs coach (he will also be the recruiting coordinator). The defense will be led by Ellis Johnson, the former Mississippi State coordinator. He did well at State with far fewer resources. He was also the defensive coordinator at Alabama back in the late 1990s when they didn't completely suck. I was reticent about this hire, but after watching State's defense shut down the Central Florida wannabe in the Liberty Bowl (as well as shutting down their passing game; Derrick Pegues is a freaking space monster from hell; note to the New Orleans Saints: DRAFT HIM!), and getting that rude Cotton Bowl reminder of our own defense's ineptitude, I have come around. Holdover Bobby Allen will coach the defensive tackles, Lorenzo Ward will coach the defensive backs, Reggie Johnson will coach linebackers, and Kirk Botkin will coach defensive ends and special teams. [It's true that Botkin is coming from ULM, but he's a former Razorback. And anyway, the Warhawks (unlike Hootie) beat Alabama this year. And also: a half-chewed pack of gum would be a better special teams coach that James Shibest, who will be ruining young lives with Hootie at the "University" of Mississippi.]

And speaking of Hootie: It seems the Nutt immorality is now affecting Razorback recruiting. When the Hootie camp loaded up their single-wide and moved to Mississippi—stopping along the way to pick up the biggest bitch in physical therapy—they took all of the university's recruiting tapes with them. This is primarily being reported on radio (surprise, surprise! the Arkansas print media has no use for truth-telling), but you can get at least a sense of it in print.

But while Hootie is busy screwing us, we can all give a big thank you to former defensive backs coach Louis Campbell for screwing Hootie. Campbell has decided NOT to go to Ole Miss ("university"), instead choosing to take over as linebackers coach at arch-rival Mississippi State, where he will inevitably "step into the maroon." Early reports out of Starkville are that Campbell has appeared flummoxed and dizzy, surely reeling from working for a coach with integrity.

But we have played our last football game for the foreseeable future. (Never fear! Recruiting updates will be forthcoming!) Let me move quickly to basketball, where last night our Hogs defeated Baylor 85-78 in a neutral site game in Dallas's American Airlines Arena. Baylor? you ask. Who gives a shit about BAYLOR? Well, Baylor was 11-1. They were on the cusp of breaking into the Top 25. They have a great RPI and were the favorite in yesterday's game. And so Baylor is not the conglomerate of Baptist creampuffs they used to be. Nor are their team members murdering each other. Nor is their coach trying to cover up those murders. So this was a big win! Sonny Weems finally looked like the Juco Player of the Year that he was coming out of Fort Smith, scoring 21 points. It is safe to say that this was a different team than the one that tanked against little ole' App State in Little Rock. And it's a great way to enter conference play. (BRIEF ADDENDUM: Gary Ervin still sucked, turning over more than a hooker on ass-coupon day.)

And I say "looked like." I should have said "sounded like," as I have not watched the game replay on Hogwired. I listened on the radio. But those of you who do live on or near The Hill, and got a chance to see the game on ARSN, were privileged to hear Steve Intman doing play-by-play. You probably all thought the same thing that I think every time he fills in on radio broadcasts: He is SO GOOD. I believe in loyalty as much as the next guy. And Mike Nail is a far nicer guy than most in the Broyles Center. But he is…past his prime. Get Intman on the radio! [BRIEF ADDENDUM: The television audience also got ear-and-eye raped by the sound and sight of Heaven's Gate leader Rick Schaeffer. He was replaced on radio by former Hog Blake Eddins, who was also good—a vast improvement over Schaeffer. (BRIEF ADDENDUM TO THE ADDENDUM: Another former Hog, Pat Bradley, does a radio show in Little Rock. He is very funny and still sounds like he's a Boston high school kid. His SEC three-pointer record was recently broken by Tennessee's Chris Lofton, so if any of you are planning to make the trip to Knoxville on February 13, be sure to accost him.)]

Finally, I am trying to get addresses for everyone on the 50-48 list. If you have actually read down this far, please take a moment to email me back with your address. There might be something in it for you…(hint, hint).

SEC basketball play begins Thursday at Auburn. The recruiting and dead period ends Tuesday. Brace yourself for certain success! 50-48 will return next week with all of your SEC basketball and football recruiting updates. But even more importantly: THERE ARE ONLY 47 SHORT DAYS UNTIL THE DIAMOND HOGS PLAY WRIGHT STATE AT BEAUTIFUL BAUM STADIUM, STARTING THEIR RUN TO OMAHA AND THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES! 50-48 will be counting down the days until the dawn of Razorback baseball. Here's the schedule. Player reports and previews surely to follow. Stay alert.

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