50-48 #5: EMERGENCY UPDATE OF SHAME, BUT POSSIBLY NOT SHAME; I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK AND I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT THE COACHING SEARCH IS GI

(Originally published 12/5/07)

50-48 #5: EMERGENCY UPDATE OF SHAME, BUT POSSIBLY NOT SHAME; I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK AND I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT THE COACHING SEARCH IS GIVING ME CANCER (TENTATIVE SEMI-UPDATE TO LET YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT OUR NEW HEAD COACH)

Jim Grobe, formerly of Wake Forest, is now the Arkansas Razorbacks football coach. My mixed emotions about this hire will take a couple of days to sort out, so I will hold off now on making derogatory comments about him. But let me just state, as a prelude to ulcers that are surely forming in my guts as I type this, these few statistics: Grobe is 45-39 at Wake since 2001. His coaching record is 78-72-1 overall. When you average those numbers out, you find that he has won just over 51% of his games. HOOTIE'S RECORD WAS BETTER THAN THIS, AND HOOTIE WAS THE EQUIVALENT OF AN AUTISTIC MONKEY--AND HE COACHED IN THE SEC!!!! The Atlantic Coast Conference is a basketball conference, not a football conference. Grobe has garnered 1 (COUNT THEM: ONE!) 4-star recruit in his time at Wake. And PLEASE do not be swayed by those who tell you that such a recruiting record is to be expected at Wake, a small private Southern Baptist college with high academic standards and an enrollment of around 6,000. These things are true, but he is recruiting against NO ONE! North Carolina, North Carolina State, and Duke are ALL BASKETBALL SCHOOLS, TOO! Butch came into the state in one year and drove his ass into the ground, recruiting-wise.

On the other hand, he's been to the BCS. In the last three years, his record against Vanderbilt is 1-0, with a 14-point margin of victory. Hootie, on the other hand, was 1-1, with a negative point differential. He was a gust of wind away from being 0-2. Also, and this, I think, is the big one, he hasn't run off a brilliant offensive coordinator and two innocent 18-year-old youths. He isn't, as far as I know, best pals with a 300-lb Little Rock bull dyke physical therapist. He isn't having a long-running affair with a local news anchor. His wife isn't a dirty redneck bitch. And so maybe--I'm not counting on this, but I think it's only fair to take an "innocent until proven guilty" attitude--he has integrity. Also, when I was 19 years old I wrote a story about a Wake Forest football recruit, which has always given me a begrudging sympathy with that university, Southern Baptist as it may be. These are the facts of the case, and they are undisputed.

I don't feel good. I didn't plan this email out, I'm just typing out my feelings into the gmail message box. It isn't the catharsis I hoped it would be. We might be totally fucked here. We might not. Before I sign off, let me just say that Gus Malzahn was interviewed and was not offered the job. This is, one would have to believe, because of the machinations of Concentrated Evil (my fancy new nickname for John White). Please send Pepto Bismol, nitroglycerine pills, et al. care of 50-48, Lafayette, Louisiana. I'm a wig and fake eyebrows away from being David Ferry. (Of course, some would say I wasn't that far away from him BEFORE the coaching search.) I'll have more substantial analysis on Sunday night. And I'll have hyperlinks, hyperlinks for everyone. Hyperlinks might just save our souls. In lieu of that, celebrate a little, then weep a little. Then repeat.

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS