50-48 #46: LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE, BUT DEATH DOESN’T COME SOON ENOUGH

50-48 #46: LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE, BUT DEATH DOESN’T COME SOON ENOUGH

The intricate system of breath and neuro-synapse fire that constitutes the base fact of existence is, it turns out, when weighed by the great blind lady, also a system of credits and debits. And we as participants in those dual systems can also serve as evaluators—can add up the plusses and minuses to create a positive or negative evaluation of the great meaningless game. Let’s try that.

DEBIT: The Arkansas Razorbacks embarrassed themselves and the state by getting the ever-living shit kicked out of them by The Great Texas Satan this weekend.
CREDIT: The Longhorns still lose in the long run, because after the game, the Hogs got to go back to Fayetteville, while the Burnt Orange Illiterate Criminal Parade had to keep living in Austin.

DEBIT: Yeah, but at least they won.
CREDIT: (silence)

DEBIT: Leprechauns do not exist.
CREDIT: Unicorns do.

DEBIT: Miraculous fortune saved Hootie from obvious end-of-the-first-half game mismanagement and provided his team with a signature win on the road against Florida, despite his obvious idiocy.
CREDIT: Obsessively doing the Gator Chomp in my apartment really worked my lateral delts.

DEBIT: It’s going to take a lot more than a few Gator Chomps to fix your lateral delts.
CREDIT: I don’t care.

DEBIT: But you do care about Hootie beating the by-god Florida Gators while your team got monumentally ass-fucked by Texas.
CREDIT: (silence)

DEBIT: Texas has not been nuked off the face of the earth, nor has it been sold back to Mexico.
CREDIT: If you ignore something long enough, it will eventually go away, or so they say.

DEBIT: “They” are probably lying. And besides, it is impossible to ignore the things that you hate. Such is the nature of hatred.
CREDIT: (silence)

DEBIT: You simply don’t have the fortitude or joy to write anymore this week.
CREDIT: This is 50-48 #46, and 50, 48, and 46 make a nice, tidy two-number declension.

DEBIT: Cancer.
CREDIT: Bit-O-Honey.

DEBIT: You are alone in a dark, cold world in which everything is positioned to belittle you and make you feel bad.
CREDIT: I’d like to go back and change all of my credit answers to Bit-O-Honey.

DEBIT: No changing answers.
CREDIT: (silence)

So! What have we learned? There is no god. Life is unfair and horrible and we are forced to suffer through it until the sweet release of death comes and saves us from the long pressing nightmare. A world where Hootie and Texas win is a world in which any moral human being should not want to live. The 50-48 Mass Suicide Desk is giggling like a maniac right now…

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS