50-48 #44: UNDEFEATED

50-48 #44: UNDEFEATED

So, honestly, who among you thought when the schedule appeared for this year’s football season, that the Hogs would be undefeated on the bright, shining morning of September 14? Well, you were wrong. 50-48 is proud to report that the Razorbacks football team is still without a loss on the season. Instead of crediting Hurricane Ike, however, it chooses to credit Hootie’s absence. 50-48 hates Hootie. And it loves being undefeated. Being undefeated puts a song in its heart. This song.

50-48 loves that song.

But alas, all is not perfume and roses at Fuck Texas Headquarters. From the Loneliness and Heartbreak Desk, 50-48 is sorry to report that its spirit has been cleft in twain. Yet again. Woe, woe, is us. Another in a near panoramic line of women has torn us asunder and left us for dead.

[NOTE FROM THE OFFICIAL 50-48 STALKING DESK, OP CIT THE CLAIM BY THE LONELINESS AND HEARTBREAK DESK CONCERNING THAT “TEARING ASUNDER” JIVE: Wait, wait, wait. 50-48 is nothing if not honest, and the Stalking Desk would like to clarify some points in the aforementioned statement on heartbreak. The claim “left us for dead” cannot be corroborated, as the woman in question never actually met us. College football bombshell Wendi Nix (pictured here with some shiteating cousin; here’s a smaller, but better picture) simply failed to return our letters of love and devotion, which, the Stalking Desk is loathe to admit, may have included some borderline inappropriate suggestions involving a monkey, a video camera, and some pvc pipe. When these facts are taken into consideration, her non-reply can be seen, if nothing else, as “good sense.” In the interest of full disclosure, 50-48 also sent an angry letter to ESPN, inquiring as to why Nix is always framed in a two-shot with her analyst partner, but the analyst partner (Jessie Palmer, Robert Smith, et al.) always gets a closeup. 50-48 referred to this injustice as “Mickey Mouse Bullshit.” As of this writing, no reply has been forthcoming.]

And then there was that other situation that we can’t even talk about, because it hurts too much.

[UGH. YET ANOTHER NOTE FROM THE OFFICIAL 50-48 STALKING DESK, OP CIT THE BUSINESS ABOUT “THAT OTHER SITUATION”: Molly Qerim isn’t going to answer your letters, either, dude. No one at ESPN ever will.]

[RETRIBUTIVE NOTE FROM THE LONELINESS AND HEARTBREAK DESK: You know, what? You guys at the Stalking Desk can suck it. We’re in real pain here. Nobody loves us. We are alone in a cold, dark world. We have this very real feeling of guttural emptiness that we cannot shake, no matter how many whiskey sours we pour down our gullets to try to fill it up. We love Wendi Nix with the pure devotion of a goddamned nun. And so, as an expression of that love, we suggested an innocent orgy with Molly Qerim, while Erin Andrews rode a pony around the sex pit that we dug (with love) especially for the occasion. Throughout the Middle East, they call that “wooing.”]

Still, we here at 50-48 are trying our best to keep our spirits up. We have been defeated, but we are still undefeated. (50-48 loves oxymorons.) And if that weren’t enough, the basketball schedule has surfaced, and it includes home games with Oklahoma and Texas! 50-48 hates Texas. And it loves being undefeated. Being undefeated puts a song in its heart. And hating Texas puts a song in its heart. This song.

50-48 loves that song.

50-48
Fuck Teas
WPS