50-48 #40: FLSU

50-48 #40: FLSU

Dear friends,

SEC FOOTBALL BEGINS TOMORROW AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!

Seriously. Nuclear winter could start any time now, and as long as the fumes didn’t encroach upon those beautiful Southern structures at which we worship every Saturday, I wouldn’t even notice.

And since the season’s about to get underway, 50-48 owes you one more football preview to round out the season predictions. But first! MAJOR SEC BUSINESS NEWS. Now, most punditry mavens will tell you that this is a fabulous deal that proves the SEC’s power in the college sports world. And it does. They will be right. But we here at the 50-48 Disneysport Sucks Desk don’t like it. First, it weds our fortunes to that of ESPN, who already holds contracts with gutturally inferior conferences such as the Pac-10, Big 10, Big East, Big Twelve, Etc. While we will most likely win the tug-of-war for game airtime because of the quality of play and money ESPN is doling out, that certainly isn’t guaranteed by the new contract, particularly for the teams in the second eschelon of the league standings.

Plus, as our mothers told us long ago, you are who your friends are. If your friends happen to be bizarre maniacs who explode bananas on their face, then you too are probably one potassium-rich fruit treat away from the booby hatch. Or, how about this analogy: when little fourteen-year-old Abigail Hobbs decided to fuck the devil out in the great forest of New England, it only led to misery. Do you want the Fayetteville campus attacked by Indians? Do you want all the little girls to start barking like dogs? (For those keeping score: ESPN was the devil in that analogy, the SEC was Abigail Hobbs. The Indians were the cost of doing business with evil powerbrokers. And the little girls were a sort of Greek chorus, keeping our heads on straight all the while. I picture them with little blonde pigtails, foaming at the mouth. But that’s how I picture all girls.)

All of this is to say that ESPN is evil. They aren’t the sort of outfit that we should be getting into bed with. (Or, alas: they aren’t the sort of outfit with whom we should be getting into bed. To wit.) Our great distinction amongst the other conferences is that we were ESPiNdependent. (Ha! Pun!) Not so, anymore. In addition, the deal kills our ability to create a viable SECTV, which was the league’s alternative plan to the new deal. And there were many at the 50-48 Yankee Football Conferences Suck Desk that wanted to see an SEC television network blast the everliving fuck out of the paltry ratings of the Big Ten Network. Alas, it isn’t to be. Yet.

And so 50-48 encourages its readers to look past the gigantic payoff and remain skeptical of the new media deal. The SEC has gone into the Ministry of Love, and come out touting, of all things, love. That doesn’t mean they won’t murder you in some sick science experiment whenever they get the chance.

But we’re here for something else, aren’t we? With one game to play, the Hogs are undefeated, with only the Tigers of Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College on tap, coming to Little Rock. The last time Old Lou came to the Rock, they inaugurated a disastrous three-game Hog losing streak that cost me hundreds of dollars in tickets, gas, etc., only to leave me wanting to blow my fucking brains out on a long, lonely drive home from the Capital One Bowl in the middle of the night. Also, that LSU game was when I was almost forced by the dictates of justice to punch a grandmother of 70 in the face. I didn’t do it, but I did (as politely as possible) remind her that her grandchild would grow to be an illiterate, incompetent, wifebeating failure, because, of course, statistics show that 90% of all LSU fans fit this demographic. And also she was a bad grandmother. And also I hoped she had cancer.

And I still do. LSU sucks. (Note my long-lost son at the end of that video. He’s growing up so nicely!)

From their garish attire to their practically incomprehensible speech to their inability to come up with no more original cheer than chanting the only three letters they can consistently recognize, they are the dirtiest, most fickle fans in the entire conference. The frontrunners of frontrunners. The true definition of fair-weather fans. And they know NOTHING about sports, except that when the bigger number on the scoreboard is next to the pretty purple letters, it’s time to feed the alcoholic beast that no doubt destroyed his/her family years ago, and will soon land them in the “free hospital” to have their liver bled with the leeches that still pass as viable medicine in the Louisiana state capital. As the silt floats down the Mississippi River, clouding it to the point of murky inscrutability at Baton Rouge, so too is the campus that sits on its banks the gutter of waste and filth for the entire conference. They are that one cousin everyone has, but doesn’t want to admit is a relation. And now, because the team has experienced a brief bout of success, their fans—because they neither know nor know how to spell “social grace”—make themselves into idiots whose vicarious life through the team is exacerbated by the fact that 1) it is historically so bad and 2) their lives are so disgusting and pathetic that success seems all the more like the comparable bulletproof vests of education, culture, or military victory.

And on the subject of culture, 50-48 would also like to point out that Baton Rouge and its LSU campus is on the FLORIDA SIDE of the river. They are British to the point of absurdity, and the “Geaux” they put in front of Tigers should be stripped from them, a proper copyright bestowed to my beloved Cajuns 45 miles away. Of course, these criticisms are angels dancing on the heads of so many pins, because LSU fans (to say nothing of graduates) could not possibly comprehend the polysyllabic words that make them.

Wow. I’m full of piss and vinegar today, aren’t I?

There’s good reason, friends. LSU will be seeking revenge after last year’s glorious victory, which proved our superiority but also launched the glorious blog you’re reading today. The Hogs will not be cowed by the massive drop in the employment and literacy rate as LSU and its fans travel into the Rock. The team will steel itself, playing Mikhail Gorbachev to the killer zombies of Old Lou. (Trust me, that video is awesome.)

Final Score: Arkansas 50, LSU 48. Sound familiar, you Tiger shitheads?

GEAUX Cajuns. Go Hogs. Football begins tomorrow, and football will set us free.

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS