50-48 #37: OF HUMAN BONDAGE

50-48 #37: OF HUMAN BONDAGE

Take, for example, the cloister of a small apartment. The walls act as barriers closing off a set amount of space. But that space holds all of the resident’s possessions, all his favorite things—and by acting as his storage and living space, seems wholly adequate for his needs. Were he to draw those same dimensions with a stick in an open field, or with chalk on the street, the reality of its miniscule size would become apparent. “I live in a space,” he might say, “that isn’t even as wide as the street!” So the walls of the apartment function as constraints by disallowing motion outside of their boundaries, but in so doing, they figuratively enlarge the space in the resident’s mind—an enlargement that is both personal and mnemonic. The walls and the things contained within them serve to stamp time for the resident in a way that equivalent spaces in, say, the street do not.

The group Oulipo attempts to build similar linguistic walls in the creation of literature—the act of broadening through limitations. And, in the formulation of author Peter Consenstein, those attempts serve as conscious transformations of literary memory. His Literary Memory, Consciousness, and the Group Oulipo argues that writers of the Oulipo group place constraints on their writing as a method of recalling literary forms, marking time through experiment. This creation of freedom through constraint is not only functional for Consenstein, it is spiritual. In making his case, Consenstein reverses the prevailing analysis of Oulipian work as playful, formulaic, and therefore necessarily impersonal. He argues that the retransformation of literary forms and the emphasis on the consciousness of the endeavor make Oulipo’s project inherently personal, and it is that fundamental personal quality combined with the group’s production of these reinvented forms that creates a superior form of memory. “The result of what occurs when the logic of a literary constraint meets language’s own logic is the final product of the Oulipian laboratory; it is what is meant by ‘potential’ literature.”

Well right on, buster.

Oulipo—Ouvroir de littérature potentielle (the Workshop of Potential Literature)—was founded in 1960 by French authors Raymond Queneau and François Le Lionnais who sought to create artificial formulas and constraints, based mathematical algorithms and pattern theory, to force writing to grow in specific directions. You’ve all probably gathered at its banks through Umberto Eco, who clearly snags the bulk of the international renown.

No matter. The point of all this gobbledygook is to say that 50-48 will, for today, attempt to broaden through limitation. It seems the previews have been moving in a Malthusian declension, leaving we here at 50-48 with less and less time to feed you more and more game previews. So we’ve decided to give you five brief previews in one installment. The catch? Each paragraph (one devoted to each game) will be absent the next alphabetical vowel. An Oulipian constraint! So, for example, the second paragraph detailing our inevitable victory over Christian Philippino-circumciser Tim Tebow and the Florida Gators will contain no ‘e’s. This thicket becomes all the more sticky when it is noted that we will be skipping the Ole Miss game (Hootie’s going to get him one all to himself, brutha!) and replacing it with Tulsa the following week. Therefore, the first paragraph—sans ‘a’—is the Alabama game (4 fucking ‘a’s!) and the fifth paragraph—sans ‘u’—is the Tulsa game (even the mascot has a ‘u’!).

Can we do it? Probably not. We usually find ourselves so far from Le Lionnais, he might as well be Timbuktu (or perhaps the Pacific Ten Conference, water polo aggregation that it may be). But we’re going to give it a shot. It is a beautiful Saturday here in the Great Big Beautiful South, with the sun shining down on pretty girls drinking cool beverages, with music and laughter and possibility, possibility, possibility. What better way to spend it than by hiding from all of that and trying idiotic word games with football preview paragraphs?

There is no better way.

So here goes:

The Crimson Tide will endure their second schedule under Nick the Dick, formerly of LSU, in 2008. Prospects look good. Their recruiting is through the fucking roof. They seem to be getting better. But come on. Seriously. The mighty former-Injuns of ULM (nee NLU) dropped them. Should we be cowering? Me thinks not. Remember: when the Tide rolled to the Ville in 2006, they got their butts provided to them on one fine silver serving dish, courtesy of 8 million missed kicks. (Hootie, if you remember, mounted the stupid music podium, choosing like the fool he is to conduct the fight song from there. Honestly, the only thing he’s good for is one pristine entry into this Greek blowjob contest. But he’d surely find some method for fucking it up, just like he fucks up everything else. Oh, tip for his 2x4 wielding cunt sidekick: should you ever desire freedom, divorce, following yet more text-romps with newswomen, TRY THIS.) The Hogs romp following their disembowelment of the Longhorns, 500-0.

Ain’t no 180º schwa in Philippino dick, right? That symbol is POPULAR for words. ALL of Florida’s stars carry said symbol in his (plural) linguistic calling-thing. Gators suck. Hogs shock world. South Louisiana Kim is sad. Hogs 400 – Florida 0. (Gators suck, gators suck, gators suck.) (Fill up a tub. Any tub.)

After the Hogs’ conquest over the Gators, they travel to Jordan-Hare, home of the Auburn War Eagles. The team should do well. They are led by an Arkansan at quarterback—yet another Arkansan that Dale let sneak away. But the Hogs aren’t scared, of Burns or of Arkansas-bred Coach Tommy-Tubby. Auburn generally tanks versus the Razorbacks, and should do so once more. We are to the Auburn endzone what DEA agents are to underwater drug boats. We shall go. We shall conquer. We shall plant our flag, and no one shall doubt our loyalty when we do so. (There’s a joke to be made there, but we won’t make that joke. That joke’s sooooooo old, anyway.) Arkansas 300 - Auburn 0.

Then it’s the Blue Ridge State’s capital, where a battle will take place between each team that defeated LSU last year! Kentucky watched all their best players leave the team after their last game, thereby making themselves a relatively easy target. The Wildcats should be easy pickings for Arkansas. We will surely pwn them. New quarterback Curtis Pulley might be alright, but he surely isn’t as talented as the last guy. Even with a likely-crappy defense, we will handle him just fine. Besides, failure at Kentucky is like staring at dead baby penguins. And there aren’t any humans that like staring at dead baby penguins. Arkansas 200 – Penguin-killing Infidels 0.

Finally, after a good Hootie-killing, the Hogs welcome back the greatest offensive coordinator in school history—Coach Malzahn, who now plots the offense for Oklahoma’s Golden Canes. He will (rightly) receive a standing ovation as he enters Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium, and since Coach Petrino has class, he will take it all in stride. Still, Coach Malzahn isn’t playing Hootie this time, so even his brilliant football mind won’t do the trick. He will be Gwendoline, roaming the land of Yik-Yak. He will be a steaming hot poo-poo platter in the north of Italy. He will be a ballooning preacher in the Brazilian hinterland. And he will fail. Hogs 100 - Canes 0.

Whew! I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, then came out the other side! LET’S CELEBRATE! SOME MORE! YET AGAIN! WOO HOO! AND DRUNKENLY FROM THE DECK OF A CRUISE SHIP!

Thanks Ouvroir de littérature potentielle! Vowels rule. And (according to this pundit’s predictions) the Hogs are still undefeated. May our restraint breed voluminous growth in the trying months ahead. May our vices make us virtuous. And may we conquer.

(“I live in a space that isn’t even as wide as the street!”)

50-48
Fuck Texas
WPS

PS: I’m headed out on a fabulous mid-western baseball and comedy tour this week, so our next update might be a bit belated…Remember your St. Augustine: “Patience is the companion of wisdom.” You see? If you hang on long enough, my laziness will make you all rocket scientists! Hooray!